I am pretending to live.
The well is nearly dry. There is enough left to keep me puttering around from day to day.
The normal trials and tribulations of life aside, like many others I have experienced a few major traumatic incidents will affect me for the rest of my life. Some of these are from the 
deprivations and challenges faced when fighting in wars. Some of them are from my family. Drugs, alcohol, violence and betrayal.
These moments have saddened me. They have driven me to great depths within a dark abyss. I have been suicidal. Angry at the world, the system, the Army and any person I had the misfortune to run into. One time I even planned it out and figured out the best way to go. I was happy with my plan and my decision. Fortunately I chose not to take that path and continued on the journey.
Recently I have experienced an incident that has taken me past all of these points. I have left thoughts of “suicide” and “rage”, and “acting out in anger” long behind. There is nothing left but pain and sadness. From time to time I enjoy moments of calm and happiness. They are few and far between.
Like a man holding a torch in the forest, the flame sputters and flicks, the circle of light closing. Beyond in the darkness his demons wait for him. He sees them coming, closing in. He knows he will be fighting for everything. His sanity and his soul are like the king and queen in a chess match. This fight is an all or nothing outcome.
Like that man, I see my own torch spluttering as I pass through the forrest of life. As the journey continues the circle of light grows weaker, smaller. Occasionally it will flare up and 
drive back the darkness. A beacon of hope and salvation that tempts me. I sense a grim laugh within myself. I know what waits for me in the darkness. I know it is patient and that sooner or later it will come. I know the demon that is waiting for me. My demon. It is despair.
My demon knows he will not take me this time. Not the next either. He doesn’t want to steal me away in the night and let it be done. He wants me to squirm. To suffer through this emotional torment that I am living. He enjoys watching me struggle against the incoming tide that is the red tape of normal society. He knows that I will win against him… the struggle will be brief… a few hours, maybe a couple of days. Best case scenario he might even tempt me to battle for a week. I will find another torch though. The darkness will be pushed back. The journey will continue. He will be patient yet again.
The journey is the issue. Am I on the right path? Do I need everything you (society) tell me that I need? I don’t even understand why I want it. The house, the car, the career, the wife and children and the dog. I struggled for these things because you told me I needed them. Now I have lost nearly all of them and my life is filling with darkness. I am afraid that there are not enough torches to light in the forrest to guide me for the rest of my journey.
You don’t want to help me. You can’t help me. You are in this position because you choose to be. You make wonderful rules that fill you with rainbows and happiness and make you feel or warm and fuzzy. This is because you feel like you have achieved something. You haven’t. Your rules are fucked. They are for you, not for me. They help you, not me. Your rules don’t help the emotional detritus of this civilised society. Your rules are fucked.
The journey will continue. We will come across each other again. The darkness in my soul
will embitter me and I will deal with you from a position of detached rage and social disgust. You are normal. Like your rules, you are also fucked. I see you as something to consume, to use as fuel to drive me towards the freedom that I am seeking from this social cage I have locked myself in.
Soon I will find another torch. My demon will be forced back into the shadows to wait. We will lick our wounds and watch each other. Waiting.
This is my current war. I will not get any more medals for this campaign. I will still savour the
battles that are being fought. My time will come… I don’t know when, but it will. It makes me a little nervous. It is good to be nervous.
The light is failing. My demon beckons. He is smiling at me. I smile back.
Contact…..wait out.
asblackasmysoul 
Very powerful and so accurately written. So many lines stood out that I could relate to and I appreciate you sharing. It is a fight. May there be much light on your journey.
Keep writing. I find writing to be the best catharsis. Words help emotions stop being a storm you seek shelter from and transform it into a torrent you can channel.
I will keep reading.
Happy new year soldier
I am glad to find out that I’m not the only one who can no longer stand the retarded rules and red tape of society. The way you describe how the darkness is always waiting to consume you, is the best description of the fight I go through everyday. So please keep writing, you are giving a voice to those of us who still can not talk about it.